How did you survive those years psychologically and what did comedy or humor or some inner mechanism give you?

I probably went to sleep crying every single night until I was 14 or 15. My sister told me later that I used to say to her that one day I will become very successful and I will take care of us. I do not even remember saying that. But I think that was how I interpreted control. How I was going to fix everything. I did not have a healthy coping mechanism until I met Rebecca. She introduced me to a spiritual practice and for the first time I had a framework that made sense of what had happened to me.